Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
