i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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