burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
