Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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