I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
