Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
