Tell her she can't have a vagina
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
