I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
