We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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