Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
