fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This baby is an asshole
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
