just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
