Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
