Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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