I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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