I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
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its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
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Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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