I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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