Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
