I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
