It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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