it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
