i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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