Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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