I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
