listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
