Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
