wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
