I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
