he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and she was petting her beer can
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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