so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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