I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
