if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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