Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
