After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
