hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
