Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
