Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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