Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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