It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
