Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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