so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
