I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
