then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
