I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I smell stomach acid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
