At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
