So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
