Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
