Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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