I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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