I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
