***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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