guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's official drugs can't kill me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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