A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
