Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
