i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
