Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
