You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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